I went through a phase of negligence. I neglected my responsibilities, I neglected my home, I neglected my enviroment, I neglected the school I went to, I neglected my friends, I neglected my family. And most of all, I neglected myself.
As I sit on the side of my bed I look at everything. I look at the walls, the ceiling, the floor, my clothes, my TV and I think how insignificant everything is. None of this shit matters, it’s all just here. There’s no purpose, no reason, no meaning. It’s all nothing…
Then I stand up and walk to the mirror in my room. I look into the reflection only to see nothing. No purpose, no reason and no meaning. I don’t see any significance. All I see is two empty eyes staring right back at me. Not only do I see nothing, I don’t feel much either. Only thing I feel is complete emptiness. The only thing there is, is… nothing.
I start thinking about experiencing nothing. I start thinking about death. I start thinking of suicide. I could swallow a full bottle of pills to escape. I could tie a rope to a tree in the back and escape. I could grab a knife from the kitchen and slit my wrists to escape. I can grab a gun and shoot myself in the woods to escape. I was thinking of all these ways to escape from this reality. But I couldn’t take my grandparents gun and we don’t have any rope. Although I didn’t care if the escape was painful, I figured popping pills would be better than cutting myself. So I go to the cupboard in the kitchen and look at all the pills we have. I’m still hungover from drinking myself to sleep the day before so I pop a Tylenol. Then another, then another, then I stop myself. Although I really wanted to escape, although I don’t mind my own absence, I don’t feel anything anymore. I didn’t want my mom or anybody that I’ve loved to experience my absence. I feel nothing, and I didn’t want anyone else to feel it too. So I close the bottle and put it back.
I go back to my room and look back into the mirror. Still nothing, so I turn around and grab the bottle of Jack Daniels I took from Walgreens earlier in the day that I stashed under my mattress. I set it on my desk, then I put a shot glass right next to it. Whenever I feel pain and sorrow I take a few shots to help cope with it. But I feel nothing. I have become numb to everything. I don’t feel anymore, I don’t laugh, I don’t smile, I don’t cry, I don’t get angry, nothing. Instead of numbing the pain, I want to chug the whole bottle until I see what I feel… nothing.
Although, I’m hoping that this bottle ends me for good. I don’t want to kill myself intentionally. If I die because of alcohol poisoning, at least people can draw the conclusion that I was a dumb teenager who was experimenting with substances. Instead of them knowing that I’m gone because of my dissatisfaction with life. I’d rather my mom think that I made the mistake of drinking too much than her knowing that I couldn’t take life anymore and decided to take my own. I don’t want to put that on her shoulders. I wouldn’t want to put anything like that on her shoulders, but at least it was an “accident”.
With each gulp I look in the mirror. Each time that I swallow the whiskey, a piece of my reality vanishes. The walls, the ceiling, the floor, all start to disappear. I keep drinking until it’s only me and the emptiness I see in the mirror. Everything in the reflection begins disappearing too. The mirror frame fades away until it’s just me, face to face, with me. I take one good look at myself, staring into my own eyes. I still see nothing, then my face begins to get blurry and fades away. Everything I see before my eyes vanish into… nothing.
Then my eyes open to the sound of my alarm clock. I’m in bed looking around at my room. Everything is here again, but I still feel nothing. I turn my alarm off and close my eyes again only to hear my mom telling me to get up and get ready for school. So I sit up on the side of my bed and grab some clothes to go shower. I haven’t shaved in a while but I don’t care. I just hop in the shower and turn the water on. My head is clouded and it aches, but I have to be attended. No purpose at all, I just go with the flow of things. No more fight in me, I’m alive just because I am. As I stand in the shower I think to myself. Since I feel nothing, what is it like to really be nothing? I enjoyed being nothing the night before, what if it was like that forever? Then I hop out of the shower and continue getting ready for school.
I get all my school stuff and head out the door for the bus with my little sister. I plug my ear buds in an attempt to escape from reality for just a little longer until I have to get off the bus and see the reality that I’m faced with. When I get to school I walk around the hallways by myself with headphones on. I’m greeted by my peers. I pop an ear bud out and force a smile, making everyone laugh with my unique sense of humor. So we walk through the hallways together. We talk, I hear the homies’ complaints about girls, homework, Monday, etc. Although I say I feel it, I really don’t. Although I feel nothing, I still want to make sure they feel something to try an feel something myself. But no luck. Class is about to start so we dap each other up and go our separate ways.
In class, same shit. I play a character of who I once was. I’m usually quiet and reserved anyways so it’s easy doing that part. But around my friends I had to act as if I’m still the same, and it was hard. I’ve attached myself to these people and I no longer feel attached to anything. So I acted the part because I don’t want to bring attention to what I’m really going through. When asked if I’m okay; I say I’m fine and that I’m just tired. I don’t want to be bothered, I don’t want to be around anyone, I just want to experience this alone. Anybody who notices something wrong with me, I unconsciously pushed them away.
But at the same time, I can’t help but exist. So I accepted that and avoided any interaction with anyone. I don’t feel any attachment anymore, but people are still attached to me. So I have to play this character. But I hate playing this character, so I avoided interaction just so I didn’t have to.
Throughout the whole school day, I drained myself trying to keep up with the flow of things. As soon as the dismissal bell rang, I put in my headphones and walked straight to the bus. I interacted with some people on the way but I kept it brief. On the ride home, I’m lost in my mind listening to music. But I’m not really listening, I’m just isolating myself from all outside noises so I can try and be at peace with myself. But it’s not peace, it’s emptiness. I hop off of the bus and walk home with my sister. I pull an ear bud out and listen to her talk about her day. I respond but I don’t say much. We get home and I feed the dogs. Then I go to my room and collapse on my bed and sleep.
I wake up and it’s night time. Dinner’s done on the stove, everyone’s getting ready for bed, and I’m all alone in my room. I’m not hungry, but I force myself to eat a little bit anyways. I have homework due, the homegirl messaged me, my homies are blowing up the group chat, the big homie from Arizona hit me up too, but I’m unfazed. I just walk to the living room and play some 2k. I can’t go back to sleep so I used video games as a substitute to disconnect from reality. Eventually I picked up my phone to see what these people are saying. The homies sending memes and cracking jokes so I sent some back. The homegirl hitting me up about her relationship issues so we conversated for a little bit to try and consult her. All with an empty face. I still care about these people, which is why I couldn’t commit suicide the night before. But I don’t feel it anymore.
It’s 2 in the morning, everyone else is asleep and I’m still playing 2k. But then I stop and walk to my room. I grab the bottle of Jack and sit down on the side of my bed. I’m thinking the same thoughts from last night. The whiskey is almost gone so I chug the last little bit that’s left. Then I go to the kitchen and take a bunch shots of Fireball. Then I stumble back to my room and wait for it all to kick in. Then I see what I feel, nothing…
I’ve experienced a lot of days just like this one. This is the root of my high school experience. I’ve had my ups from time to time, but I was at rock bottom for years. I’m okay now, but I had to leave school and cut so many people off just so I can say that. I cultivated my surroundings as much as I could so I don’t slip back into the grasps of nothingness again.
Through the times of knowing and understanding that everything holds no significance. It brought the significance out of everything. Through knowing that there’s no real purpose anything, including me. I’ve been able to create a sense purpose for myself and the things I do, such as this book. There really is no purpose to anything except the one you give it.
Everything is nothing, and nothing is everything. The cipher. 0…
You can’t control when you’re born. You can’t control who your parents are. You can’t control where you live as a kid. But there is three things that you can control. Your perspective, your focus, and your mindset. What you do with those things are completely on you. I can show you the path, but I can’t walk it for you.
My perspective was very dark. I focused on my mistakes and the negatives in life. I didn’t have a consistent mindset, I just didn’t want to live. I understand you. You’re not alone in this thing we call life. Don’t push the people who care about you away, embrace it.
Before you think of taking your own life, think about how that would effect the people around you. Your mom may not care about you, but your friend does. Your girlfriend may not really care about you, but your little sister does. Someone cares about you somewhere. If you know who they are, hold them closely. If you don’t know who cares about you, pay attention to the things people do for you.
If your mother sees that you’re upset in the car and says something funny to try and cheer you up, she cares about you. If you’re alone in a room and you want to forget everything, and your friend sits right next to you and tells some funny stories to make you smile. He or she cares about you. You may feel disconnected, but the connection is there.
I can’t stop you from doing anything, but the least I can do is let you know that you’re not alone. You don’t know what someone is going through, so you should act in kindess because you don’t know if it’s their last straw. We’re all in this thing together. This book is for you…