Memoirs of a Businessman, Chapter 6
“Na, I’m not fucking with ya’ll! I’m staying out the way. Get thee behind me Satan! The universe has already played enough tricks on me today and I’m not in the mood for anymore!”
We walked into the local grocery store and everything seemed translucent. Out of place. I could hear people’s thoughts, their echoes, in the back of my mind, ridiculing me. Taking advantage of my vulnerability. With our new president’s reckless decisions and our business’s least successful month, my depression was steadily getting worse.
It was almost midnight on March 31st. They say that if you don’t take jokes on the next day lightly you’ll be cursed for the rest of that year. Yet what more could life take from me?
“Just get your stuff and hurry up and let’s go,” I said. “I don’t feel like being in this store any longer!”
My buddy squinted his eyes and said, “Damn, Yeshua! Whats wrong with you? What happened? Why don’t you want to be out? Here take one of these snacks! It’s going to make you feel better!”
Sounding quite despondent, “Probably not!”
“You’re not going to get anything Yeshua?? Not one single thing?”
You ever had a friend that wants to drag you outside all the time, even when you really don’t feel like going? Especially when you’re at wits end. To be honest, the road to completing this book has been getting increasingly difficult. I promised the publisher I would finish it. Yet lately I’ve been feeling unmotivated. With all of the writers and lyricists in the world, It doesn’t feel sacred to me anymore. It feels tainted. Over saturated and dumbed down.
What happens when we reach the point when what we do is no longer unique??? When all we’ve prized has become so flooded with others that do the exact same thing? It begins to feel like a perversion. My brother told me in the mid to late 2000’s that the music industry would soon be a giant talk show. No longer would we pride artists on their skill but instead it would be like high school. You remember when you had all of those different classes of people? The nerds, the goths, the jocks, and the stoners? I must admit thru it all I’ve begun to feel some type of way. As if my genius is fading.
We reached the check-out aisle.
“Any ice today sir” the young cashier asked sounding quite disinterested with her job.
I looked at the clerk dazed. Feeling stuck in an alternate reality. Then I looked towards my friend.
“Anything else today??”
My friend threw a candy bar on the counter.
By the way, that candy bar stayed in the fridge for weeks before he ate it. One thing is when I get in moods like this they’re not easy to jump out of. I had to force myself to write this chapter. I drank myself into a stupor and passed out with an ashtray next to me that night. When I feel like this I try to think of all the reasons why I still have to fight! For those who can’t, for those who didn’t wake up today! For those who look up to me no matter how or what I feel my personal situation is.
*******************in my dreams her voice said:
There is a light. There is something better for you. You honestly do deserve it, you have to believe that. You have gone through so many horrific things in your life. You need to see and believe that you do deserve to be happy! Why would you have gone through so much in life for nothing?
Hell no! You deserve this, no matter what you say to yourself or any act of self sabotage you perform.
That’s what you need to work on. Changing the way you see yourself. You are a strong person and have gone through hell and back.
You need to be positive about your life and future. Good night and sweet nightmares, Papi!
We had to work early the next morning. Did I mention I’m not one for early mornings? I’m not talking about the 6:45, 7am early. No. The knock on my door came at 4:45 am to be exact.
“Wake up Yeshua! Time to grind bro!”
I groaned with vexation. Then shut my door. I laid back down and stretched out, put on some hip hop music (we’ll talk about the definition of this later) so I could get into the mood. We had an event today. A corporate sponsored event at that and I had to be semi presentable. My least favorite part of the Business is talking to people and maintaining an image I don’t feel I fully fit. Not only did I have to fake smiles (which is hard for me), I also had to setup and break down music equipment, play DJ (a newly discovered passion), and make correspondence during the bottom half of the event.
I reluctantly got up, took a shower, and put some clothes on. Then, I started packing the equipment for the mission ahead. Two hours later we pulled up to the event site. It was a bright sunny day but as soon as I got there I felt out of place and off balance. A familiar looking man was on the phone looking distressed.
He approached me and said: “It’s so good to see someone I know bro! I just got off the phone with my people, family. They told me that the homie just offed himself. So now we gotta fight for self and live each day to be better!” Weird part about it was he had the strangest look on his face every time he looked at me that day.
Well dam! Is the man upstairs playing tricks on me as well???? Why is it that we go thru so much pain but yet we’re expected to stay so strong? What is the essence of strength? They say Yahweh will never give us more than we can handle but how true is this? Maybe I need to come to my senses. My family just told me: The mission was never to get famous but to spread a divine message!
Needless to say, stay true to yourself and never give up.