Life is like one big road. With twists, turns, and curves. You have to pay attention to the signs on your journey and fulfill your purpose. Love is a big part of that. Whether it’s the love you receive from your mother, or the love you have in your heart for another person. It’s all in the same.
As a kid, I wondered what love is. I know my mom and my family have love for each other. Although there wasn’t much of a connection between my mom and my father. But what about the affectionate feelings I have for someone who would be a complete stranger, if we didn’t go to the same school?
In elementary, I didn’t really trip about females much to be quite honest. I only had one girlfriend, while everyone else is crushing on somebody and expressing little puppy love. I’ve always envisioned having a family of my own. After my father left and years of getting used to his absence, I knew I wanted to make sure I was there for my daughter, or my son. I used to play with my toys, and pretend my GI Joe’s were a family.
Most boys played with their nerf guns and played sports outside. I did that too, I loved playing army and catch. But I prefered being inside, in my room just sitting and thinking. Most men lack emotional intelligience and tend to be more reckless because of their upbringing. They’re trained to be “manly”. While girls play inside with their baby dolls. They’re trained to nurture and are groomed to be parents much earlier. This is why girls are attracted to boys before boys are attracted to girls. Of course, this is a just a generalization. But in general this is true. Women tend to be more emotionally and sexually advanced. How they handle that emotion and sexual desire, is intuitive to each individual.
I did both, I’d go play outside with my little friends and I would play “house” with my little sister. I was never hyper masculine. I carry some feminine traits. Could also be that I’m a momma’s boy, I was raised by women. But nonetheless, I romanticized having a family before most dudes. So I never dated anyone in elementary.
I never been an alpha, but I never been a beta either. I cruise in my own lane. I’m in touch with my feminine side as much as my masculine side. I punch hard, but I speak softly. I grind hard, but I hug gently. I chill with the homies enjoying bro time, but I brush my little sister’s hair every morning. You can say I’m soft, but you wouldn’t say it around me.
In middle school, I start hitting puberty. I’m growing facial hair, my voice cracks from time to time, my horomones start kicking in. I want a girlfriend. Surprisingly, I was really crushing on this WHITE girl. She had ASS & TITTIES, she has a nice personality. My little buddy was feeling some type of way about this particular individual. It’s funny looking back at what I did for love. I wrote this chica a love song haha. But I got rejected. After that, I just kept looking around at different women.
There’s a lot of attractive girls in the world. Both at school and on RedTube. I had fun. But I never dated no one.
My friends used to roast me for it, saying it’s easy to get a girlfriend. But I say this, if it’s easy, is it really real? There’s a lot of young ladies that I sexually desired as a young buck. But I would never date them. As my friends are dating, getting heart broken, cheating, etc. I was in my own head just thinking about anything. I knew I wouldn’t find something that would last in middle school. Nobody’s mature enough to really be in a relationship. Shit, neither was I.
I carried this same sentiment into high school. I knew my physical attraction for females is only puppy love. I want a relationship, but I ain’t ready for it. I romanticized having one, but it’s high school and this shit ain’t a fairy tale. Plus, a lot of the girls I crushed on happened to be in relationships, so I had to scratch their names off my list.
Freshman year, I was a goofy dude. I was in a real transition for the worst. I’m dealing with alcoholism, depression, family issues, bunch of shit. Last thing I wanted was to throw someone else in the mix. I didn’t think it would be fair. Broken and didn’t want anyone else deal with my pain. I kept to myself which made it hard to open up to other people. I would have the homie come over and drink with me, but I never shared my mental or spiritual hardships. I just wanted to enjoy myself.
All these things going on in my life, the last thing on my mind was a relationship.
Then sophmore year came around, another big change. I’m an alcoholic, I got issues. I wanted to feel love. Besides my mom, I felt everyone else kind of looked down on me in some way, disappointment. And none of them really understood me. Whenever a homie would hit me up asking if I’m alright, I said yes every time. Even though I wasn’t. So at school I would seek attention to fill that void due to a lack of connection. I was the funny guy, someone to get some laughs with.
Then I met this young lady, Miss Tenochtitlan, in my biology class. She was different. I’ve always had a deep rooted love for Mexican women. That’s home for me, I want to go to Tenochtitlan. She had a certain type of glow I never seen before. I feel people’s energies and hers seemed to match mine. At the time I didn’t fully understand this however. I just looked at her in class and spoke to her occassionally. Being a goof ball.
One thing I really lacked was communication skills. I couldn’t put my thoughts into words. I still have issues sometimes today, so I speak in metaphors a lot. I couldn’t connect emotion and communication. I have feelings for her, I have my desires, but I can’t communicate it. So I kept it to myself. Even to this day.
All I wanted was a little love and affection, and I wanted to do the same in return. But I needed to fix myself first. I needed to get my mind and soul straight. I can’t build with someone if my foundation is crumbled. That inevitably leads to the collapse of any relationship. Or at least lead to something that’s unhealthy.
As the school year went along, I started turning cold. Used to be all love, now I’m rejecting anything with a smile. Because when I see other people smile, when I make other people smile. I feel good, but then I want to cry. Why isn’t anyone doing the same for me? I was too consumed by my own mental state.
I was in love with Miss Tenochtitlan. But I had to ignore that love, had to ignore my feelings to try and keep my mind straight. Which lead to heartless and mindless acts from my self.
Junior year, I kept that same mindset. I wasn’t getting much love and affection. So I turned that part of me off. I rejected anyone trying to show love outside of a few people.
I grew distant from Miss Tenochtitlan. I grew distant from the motherland. I started branding myself with things that don’t fall in line with my ancestry. Things that don’t carry on the genetic lineage I possess within me.
I took no interest in having a relationship. I just wanted to smash a bunch of females. Although I never did, because I didn’t take interest in sliding into DMs either. I never developed that part of me. Love is a crucial part of life and our reality, and adolescence is a crucial time frame to learn and understand love. To have a set foundation of what it is to you. I missed that window, it’s gone and I can never get it back.
There is this one time my homeboy dated a Miss Tenochtitlan and they broke up. I was going to shoot my shot, because she’s very bright and beautiful. I felt like we could fit. But I talked to the homie about it and decided not to. He still loved her and I didn’t want to interfere with that. So I continued to keep to myself. Although I felt it was important to get a little love, I can’t interfere with someone else’s.
The window is closing, and so is my heart.
After a very cold summer break, it’s closed. It was a done deal I thought. I can’t love no more. I was betrayed by a loved one, betrayed by someone who was closer to me than anyone else. Now I can’t trust someone with my heart, I can’t even trust myself with it. So I shut it off and kept to myself for the first half of the school year.
Except for Miss Tenochtitlan… we had class together once again. Although I couldn’t open up, although I couldn’t trust no one. I still couldn’t help but feel for her. I see a similar struggle in her eyes. I shut down the part of me that feels energy. But I still feel hers, which I found strange. Because I can never disconnect from my own mother either.
As time went on, I can’t stop thinking about Miss Tenochtitlan. I’m still attracted to other women. I’d still pipe any chica given the oppurtunity. But I wouldn’t give them anything more than that.
I let my interest in Miss Tenochtitlan be known, maybe a few times too many… Nah, definitely too many times. I never learned to deal with love and attraction. So I really had no clue what to do or how to do it. I just acted in good intentions. But regardless, I left it at that. I ain’t a Mr. Steal Yo Girl. It’s a waste of time and energy. Although it sucks. When someone you feel for lets you know their deepest, darkest secrets, but you can’t even hug them. It hurts you. That’s rough. For her moreso than me.
So in an attempt to detach myself from that, I dated this chick who ended up being Miss Narcissist. At first it was cool. We made out a thousand times, she sucked my dick. But she also sucked the energy out of me. Tried pinning my homies against me and her. Played victim whenever I confronted her about her bullshit, and I fell for it the first couple times. It wasn’t healthy. I was getting to into the little puppy love we had. So I had to cut that chick off. Then she apologized, I took her back. Then cut her off again because she was still on the same bullshit. I let her know some of my secrets, I opened up to her, and it was taken for granted.
I was hurt for a little bit. But I learned a valuable lesson, never date if your mind isn’t in the right place. Don’t date someone when you’re thinking about someone else. Also, you can’t force love. Just let it happen. It takes emotional strength.
After the break up though, my homegirl helped me out with the shit. I met her through one of my Somoan homeboys. She’s Colombian, Somoan, and Tongan. We became best friends pretty quickly. She’s a strong woman, she’s smart, she’s very beautiful. Over time, I started to get attached to her. At first, it was a sexual desire, but it became something deeper than that. But still, she dated the homeboy. So I let her know my interest and left it at that. I grew attached to her though. How could I not? Knowing someone’s deepest, darkest secrets and understanding the beauty in struggle. I can’t help but fall in love. Dating Miss Narcissist almost fucked that up. But no matter what, she’s a part of my life, that’s family to me. I’m always there for people who were there for me.
But I’m attached to Miss Tenochtitlan too. I feel my heart being pulled in two different directions. So I decided to stay to myself again and figure it out, but this time, with an open heart. I’m willing to just let things happen. Because once I settle down, it’s most likely going to be for life. And to be honest, that scares me a little. But I’m willing to face my fears.
No matter what happens, my focus is on fulfilling my purpose, and everyone is welcomed to join me on my quest. But you have to knock first. I can’t let the wrong people touch my heart anymore. No matter how attractive they are. Sex isn’t love. I’m not concerned with that anymore. I’m still a virgin in it’s technical definition.
Love isn’t a sexual thing, that’s lust. Love is… an aspect of life. The connection between two people. I love my mom, I love my family, and I love myself. Sex is a separate thing.
My mind is not focused on the temporary pleasures. My mind is focused on fullfilling what I’m set out to do. My mind is in the right place now, and I’m finally ready for a relationship. But I won’t chase one. I’ll have to see what the future holds. For now, it’s just me, my mind, and my craft…
Think with both your heart and your mind. Let things happen. Life isn’t a fairy tale. If you love someone, don’t rush anything, let it flow naturally. Natural progression is key to a healthy relationship, or even a friendship for that matter.
I’m on the journey to the motherland.